The Elevator “Please sign here,” a young man murmured gloomily as he shifted his body from left to right in a robotic manner placing the package on my desk. I swiftly grabbed the package before it reached my desk, signed the paper, and set it aside without any interest or concern of what may reside in side. Instead I was more interested in the presence of another who entered this lonely office.“So, how’s the delivery business?” I questioned as if to invite him to engage in a conversation. Sadly my notion was rejected and I was left with a “good day sir” and a fake smile that screamed, “I hate my life.” It was a Friday afternoon and I was on the 34th floor in my office sitting at my desk in a lonely environment with nothing to do when suddenly my attention was diverted to a disturbing presence. Staring out the window in quite a concentrated manner, I felt as if some force was attempting to draw my attention, but I was unsure of what it was. I kept looking and looking and suddenly something caught my eye, something so simple, something so normal, an elevator. Then it hit me, the elevator seemed to trigger a certain memory in my brain and the door to the past quickly swung open and I quickly found myself engaged in a recollection of the past. (Flashback) “Hold the door,” an old man cried out as he ran frantically for the elevator swaying back and forth with his black briefcase staring back and forth repeatedly at his watch. It was a Saturday and I was at my dad’s work with nothing to do but play in my amusing friend, the elevator. Being the bratty kid I was, I reached for the close button, pushed it with all my might and formed a senile smile on my face as I watched the old man grunt in anger; it was classic. After all, it was my elevator. My friend. My own special place where I could do as I pleased. While in the elevator I rapidly smashed all the buttons together in one motion and took joy at the numerous lights that popped up. I would explore every stop with non-stop amusement and would be filled with everlasting joy throughout my experimentations. It was the joy of being a child and the joy of experiencing new things. “Mr. Johnson…Mr. Johnson…Mr. Johnsonnnn!!!!” my secretary screamed as I suddenly woke up from the dream world. “My apologies I must have dozed off for a while. What’s the matter?” I asked uncaring.“Just a reminder Mr. Faheem your meeting is scheduled for tomorrow.” she said.“Thank you” I replied in an interested manner still contemplating my memories. Quickly setting aside her reminder I quickly entered back into the train of thought and could not comprehend why that memory suddenly appeared in my head. “Was it supposed to mean something?” I thought.“Why now, I don’t understand,” I said in frustration at the fact that I could not figure out the necessity of this flashback.Though it may sound like a simple meaningless memory, to me it was much more. I was not sure exactly what it was, but my intuition was telling me it was something important. Something I could not just set aside.Soon my attention was once diverted to that force that was calling me like a siren’s song. My head cranked once again towards the window in the direction of the elevator and I once again found my self engaged in the dream world…. (Flashback) “Dude stop hogging all of it man, give it hear,” my friend demanded as he desperately attempted to snatch the pot from my mouth only to fail and hit the ground in amusement.It was a Friday after school and we were stuffed in an elevator surrounded by a puff of smoke blacker than the night laughing hysterically at nothing but our own stupidity. I was teenager just entering my senior year when the world of drugs quickly creped upon my once innocence and devoured me into another statistic of drug use. I was not proud of myself at the time but it was just the path that I had chosen at the time. Apparently I got off on the wrong floor in the elevator of life and the path down the stairs of regression was a long journey back.“Briiiinggggg!!!! Brrrriiingggg!!!!” the phone rang as I was once again awoken from the dream world.Ignoring the unimportance of the phone, I was astonished at the fact that I had finally figured out these memories. At that point after once again awaking from my past, it had finally hit me. The memories, the elevator, the significance, I knew it all. The elevator was a representation of the stages as well the characteristics of my life. From experimenting as a child to making mistakes as a teenager, a journey through an elevator was a journey through my life.With satisfying relief of finally piecing together the puzzle that is my memory, I soon got up from my desk and packed my things as it was time for me to go home. I walked towards the elevator and entered and was just about to push the button to the lobby when suddenly, a question popped in my head and I seemed to be frozen in time as I was once again engaged in deep thought.But what about now? How is an elevator representative of my present life? I thought to myself. I already knew the answer. I mean, I was rich. I was head of a major company and made millions of dollars a year. Life couldn’t get any better.After desperately trying to reassure myself about the quality of my life I reached for the button once again when suddenly, I fell to the ground and placed both of hands over my face.Who was I kidding? I thought to myself. My life was horrible. I had no family, no friends, no lover, nothing. It was then I knew what I had done. While journeying through the elevator of life, I had passed the floor of happiness only to end up in the lonesome reality that is the 34 th floor.
{ 1 comment }
Hi. I’ve got some comments for you. Please don’t take offense at any of this – they’re only my opinions. Essentially I liked it, but it read like a first draft. Don’t forget the first draft is the fun part; the bit that goes before the endless rewrites. “Writing isn’t writing – it’s rewriting” and “the first draft of everything is shit” spring to mind. One of the only stylistic elements I didn’t like were the use of metaphors. They read like prose, but not your prose. You write as if you’re someone trying to fake their level of experience instead of just … ‘writing’. I’m not pretending I can do better. My last short story was re-written 8 times. My last piece of writing was re-written 12 times and still isn’t finished. Comments below. Best of luck.
“reside in side”
““So, how’s the delivery business?” I questioned as if to invite him to engage in a conversation.”
Is anything after ‘questioned’ necessary?
“Sadly my notion was rejected”
He didn’t reject your notion, he rejected your question.
“suddenly my attention was diverted to a disturbing presence.”
Presence and suddenly don’t fit well together here. Also ‘presence’ was used just a few sentences ago.
“Staring out the window in quite a concentrated manner, I felt as if some force was attempting to draw my attention, but I was unsure of what it was.”
You need to break this sentence. It’s doing too many different jobs.
“I kept looking and looking and suddenly something caught my eye, something so simple, something so normal, an elevator.”
You’re including ‘an elevator’ in a list when it’s essentially the subject of the sentence. It doesn’t sit well.
“Then it hit me, the elevator seemed to trigger a certain memory in my brain and the door to the past quickly swung open and I quickly found myself engaged in a recollection of the past.”
You need to break this sentence. Try turning either of the ‘and’s into a full stop.
(Flashback)
Not sure about this. It reads like a stage direction. Fine for a screenplay but I’m not sure it works in this context.
““Hold the door,” an old man cried out as he ran frantically for the elevator swaying back and forth with his black briefcase staring back and forth repeatedly at his watch.”
I can’t picture this. Is he running, or stood still, swaying on the balls of his feet?
senile smile
I like this in a peverse kind of way.
“After all, it was my elevator. My friend. My own special place”
The notion of a friend also being a place doesn’t quite fit for me. Just a personal thing.
“I would explore every stop with non-stop”
Too many stops. Sometimes helps with situations like this to read the words aloud. See if they sound overly complicated to you.
It was the joy of being a child and the joy of experiencing new things.
Beautiful.
“secretary screamed as I suddenly woke up from the dream world.”
Just a personal note again, but it feels out of sync with the (Flashback) earlier. It feels like the section has been bookended in two different styles.
“My apologies I must have dozed off for a while. What’s the matter?” I asked uncaring.
Firstly I’d stick a comma in between the asked and the uncaring. Secondly, it doesn’t feel like it fits. There’s a lot of speech for someone that doesn’t care. Can you picture someone saying it?
““Why now, I don’t understand,” I said”
Out loud? In front of the secretary?
“Soon my attention was once diverted to that force that was calling me like a siren’s song.”
Why the ‘once’? The use of “siren’s song” here doesn’t feel right to me. Have you heard a siren’s song or are you borrowing someone else’s imagery?
“My head cranked once again towards the window in the direction of the elevator”
Is the elevator outside the window?
“Dude stop hogging all of it man, give it hear”
Here.
“attempted to snatch the pot from my mouth only to fail and hit the ground in amusement.”
How do you hit the ground in amusement? Was he smiling and punching the floor? If so, say it.
“a puff of smoke blacker than the night”
Is the night black? Are all nights black? Maybe compare it to a type of night that’s very, very dark. For that matter, is smoke black? Can’t you see through smoke?
“when the world of drugs quickly creped upon my once innocence”
creeped/crept, “upon my once”?
“and devoured me into another statistic of drug use.”
This doesn’t work.
“at the time but it was just the path that I had chosen at the time”
At the time, at the time.
“elevator of life … stairs of regression”
“Ignoring the unimportance of the phone”
How can you ignore the unimportance of a phone? If you’re ignoring the phone, say that this is what the character’s doing.
“a journey through an elevator was a journey through my life”
How do you journey *through* an elevator?
“I walked towards the elevator and entered and was just about to push the button to the lobby when suddenly, a question popped in my head and I seemed to be frozen in time as I was once again engaged in deep thought.”
Needs breaking up.
“I thought to myself. I already knew the answer. I mean, I was rich.”
Usually when you say ‘I mean’ you’re clarifying something you’ve already explained.
e.g. “I already knew the answer. I had money. I mean, I was rich.”
“After desperately trying”
Desperately has been used a few times.
“desperately … suddenly”
It’s all a bit… unnerving.
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